The stock market just delivered another one of those weeks that makes you wonder if we're living in a financial reality show. Tesla shares crashed harder than a failed rocket test—down over 14% in five days—while the S&P 500 finally broke through that mythical 6,000 level that seemed laughably optimistic just a few months back.
I've been covering market milestones since the Dow first hit 10,000 (showing my age a bit here), and there's something about these round numbers that makes Wall Street collectively lose its mind.
The week unfolded like some kind of financial telenovela. Let me walk you through it.
Monday: Tariff Talk (Again)
The week kicked off with—what else?—tariff anxiety. Remember when we used to worry about other things? Me neither.
Trump announced new steel tariffs, and the market did that thing where it pretends to care about international trade policy for approximately three hours. Fed governor Waller (who I've interviewed twice and who never seems to enjoy small talk) warned that a 10% tariff could push inflation to 3%, which is basically economic code for "we're not cutting rates anytime soon, folks."
But by closing bell? Green across the board. Because of course.
Tuesday: Breathing Room
Markets got a little breathing room Tuesday when the U.S. extended its tariff pause on Chinese goods until August. The semiconductor stocks—those neurotic little bellwethers of trade tension—practically threw a party.
Job openings came in just above expectations. Not hot enough to scare anyone, not cold enough to trigger recession talk. Goldilocks data, as the cliché-loving analysts like to say.
Another green day. The optimists were starting to strut.
Wednesday: Jobs? What Jobs?
Wednesday brought an ADP employment report that was... well, terrible isn't too strong a word. Just 37,000 new jobs, the worst showing since February 2022.
In any rational universe, this would've sent markets into a tailspin. But who needs jobs when you have Trump talking about calling Xi? The tariff narrative (again with the tariffs!) overshadowed everything else.
The S&P finished up 0.01%. That's not a typo—one-hundredth of a percent. Technically green, I guess, like finding a single blade of grass in a parking lot.
Thursday: Elon vs. Trump (This Is Not a Typo)
And then Thursday happened.
Look, I've covered some bizarre market catalysts in my day, but a public spat between Elon Musk and Donald Trump has to rank in the top five. Tesla shares—already wobbly from disappointing delivery numbers—absolutely collapsed, shedding 14% faster than you can say "social media feud."
Meanwhile, jobless claims hit their highest level since November, the ECB cut rates (again), and silver prices surged to 12-year highs. But who cares about actual economic data when there's billionaire drama to watch?
Friday: Six Thousand, Baby!
Friday brought a jobs report that was... fine. Better than expected, which these days means "not terrible." This apparently was all the excuse investors needed to push the S&P over that psychological 6,000 barrier.
Trump announced he'd be meeting with Chinese officials, which apparently is now all it takes to move markets up or down a percent. (I miss the days when we obsessed over Fed minutes instead of diplomatic calendars, but here we are.)
What's This All Mean?
The big hedge fund managers who've been betting against this market must be feeling pretty uncomfortable right about now. Many have been predicting a correction since... checks notes... pretty much January. Their pessimism made sense on paper—valuations stretched, election uncertainty, Middle East tensions, AI bubble concerns.
But markets don't read white papers.
Instead, we've got the S&P up in three of the last four weeks, hovering at levels that would've seemed delusional just six months ago.
So what happens next? Will those sidelined investors finally throw in the towel and buy in at the top? Or is this actually the top, and they'll get the last laugh?
I've been covering markets long enough to know the honest answer: nobody has a clue. Not me, not your financial advisor, and definitely not those hedge fund managers whose models keep telling them this rally should've died months ago.
The only certainty is that tariffs, debt worries, and rate cut speculation will remain our constant companions... at least until the next billionaire Twitter feud captures everyone's attention.
In this market, the show must—and somehow always does—go on.
